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questioner: I'm 25 years old, and my fiancee is 23. We live in Beirut (Lebanon), but I lived in the U.S. for couple of years. Beirut is struggling between two very different cultures... a very conservative one, and a very western one that is influenced by France. There is almost no censorship in Lebanon... You can turn on the tv at 10 at night, and there you see an x-rated movie... the American rap music is uncut, and you can hear them swearing on the radio... All of the magazines that we get from France, like "Prestige" which is a fashion-female magazine are filled with couples having sex, and naked men and women. I'm a very shy person, and I've never had sex before... It's probably cause I think my penis is too small. Well, nobody can convince me otherwise, because it is.
My fiancee is a virgin, and she said that she hasn't seen any penises in her life, but I know that's not true because I caught her lying a couple of times. I think she lies to me because she knows how sensitive this subject is to me.
Anyway, I'm very insecure about the size of my penis, and I'm acting crazy to prevent her from seeing any naked men cause I don't want her to compare my penis to other penises. Well, if the government doesn't do the censorship shouldn't I? I mean if she compares my penis to every other penis that she sees, she'll know that I'm smaller than any of them, and she's going to think of me less of a man. I know this sounds crazy, and I am acting like crazy, but I just can't stop doing it... please help me fast.
---[name withheld, Beirurt, Lebanon]
dr-robert: This is a question that comes up often in psychotherapy. Since for many men, particularly younger ones, the size of the penis is equated with masculinity, if a man believes that his penis is small, he may feel that he is less "manly" than someone with a larger penis. Also, he may feel that sexual partners will be dissatisfied with him as a lover, and that they may be inclined to desire sex with a man whose penis is larger.
Some counselors and therapists try to treat these feelings of inferiority by arguing and attempting to convince their clients that size does not matter, and indeed, an important study by Masters and Johnson (1966) did indicate that sexual satisfaction both for the man and for the woman [this was a study only of heterosexuals] did not depend at all on the size of the man‰'s penis. But I think that argument is not particularly helpful to a man who doubts that his penis is large enough, whatever that may mean to him.
The argument that size does not matter is not helpful to such a man, in my view, because it is not true. To begin with, on a purely physical level--a mechanical level one might say--as long as the penis is not too large (so large, that is, as to cause discomfort to the woman) a larger penis will stimulate more of the woman‰'s vaginal erogenous zones, and so will tend to produce a greater level of arousal. But this is just a matter of friction, and good sex involves much more than friction, of course. On a more mental level, there is in human beings a tendency to appreciate things for their size alone--not just the penis, but almost anything--and so, just as there are men who imagine that women with large breasts are somehow "sexier" than women with smaller breasts, there are women who simply enjoy fantasizing about, looking at, or touching larger penises, and believe that a larger penis makes a man more attractive. These are facts, and there is no advantage in disputing them.
Now, since you believe that your penis is too small, and since believing this has caused you, as you wrote, to behave in a "crazy" way, I believe that a more helpful approach would address your feelings in particular, and not simply deal in generalities about whether or not size matters. I will attempt to do this, but I do want to say first that a written answer cannot provide the counseling or psychotherapy you need. Based on your letter, I believe that you will require professional therapy to heal this tremendous and irrational wound to your self-esteem, and I urge you to seek that kind of therapy as soon as possible, certainly before marrying your fiancee, which you should do, in my view, only when you are feeling happy about the relationship and secure in it. I imagine psychotherapy of this kind is available in Beirut. For your sake, I hope that it is.
To begin with, I wonder how you came to believe that your penis is not large enough. There is, of course, a great variation in penis size, just as there are great variations in most physical dimensions of human beings, but the situation with the penis is confusing, and different from the situation with other bodily dimensions, and I want to explain why. The average length of the flaccid (that is, non-erect) penis has been found to be around three inches (7.5 cm.) or perhaps a little more. Some penises are much larger, and some much smaller, but a curious fact about the penis is this: penises which are smaller when flaccid, increase much more in size when erect than do larger penises, which tend to increase less in size when they become erect. In other words, penises which are larger when soft, usually do not increase much in size when erect, but penises which are smaller when soft, can increase greatly when erect. This is why the vast majority of penises, when erect, measure around six inches (15 cm.), more or less, in length, even though when flaccid there is a substantial variation in size.
Now, for a man who is worried about the size of his penis, this unusual fact is important to understand, because many men, particularly heterosexual men, have had little experience in seeing other men with their penises in an erect state. Normally, one sees others' penises in the locker room or shower room, or perhaps standing at the urinal, times at which those organs are in the flaccid state in which any variation in size is much more pronounced. Other factors come in to play here too. A smaller man¬â¬s penis will seem larger than the same size organ would on a larger man. And the penis of a man with a flat belly will seem larger than that of a man with more fat around the middle. The point is this: if a man has observed other men¬â¬s penises mostly in the flaccid state, he really does not have as much basis for comparison as you might imagine. A man¬â's penis may appear smaller than many when flaccid, but might "catch up," at least part of the way, when aroused.
In your case, although you may have not seen them "in the flesh," you have looked at many erect penises through having viewed pornography, possibly more of it than was really good for you. But for various reasons looking at pornography does not provide a good basis for comparing your penis size to the normal or average size. To begin with, the producers of this stuff have an almost unlimited population from which to select men whose penises are unusually large (just as they can select women with unusually large breasts if desired). They can select also for the kind of lean, flat-bellied physique which emphasizes the penis. And then they can use all kinds of tricks of the trade such as trimming the pubic hair to make the penis appear more prominent, or selecting certain camera angles or certain lenses to exaggerate the size of the man¬â¬s organ. In other words, if you are comparing your penis to the ones you are seeing in pictures, you are treating yourself and your penis unfairly.
As I say, the average size of the erect penis is around six inches (15 cm.). If your penis, when erect, is anywhere near that size--over four inches long (10 cm.) let¬â's say--you are well within the average range. Perhaps, like many men, you wish your penis were larger, and imagine you would have more self-confidence if it were, but please remember that almost everyone wishes for personal assets of some kind or another which he or she imagines are lacking: better looks, stronger muscles, more athletic talent, a higher IQ, larger breasts, and on and on. Yes, in a certain sense a large penis may be a social asset of a kind, but so is a warm and winning smile, or a way with words. At some point, all of us must learn to accept ourselves as we are, including one's body, one¬â¬s thoughts, one's fears, one's desires--all of it.
Of course, this is easier said than done, and that is one of the main reasons why good professional counseling or psychotherapy can be so helpful. One of the results I find in almost all the counseling and therapy work I do is that my clients improve, sometimes dramatically, in their ability to accept themselves as they are, and in their ability to enjoy being themselves regardless of whatever limitations they may believe they have. Once again, I feel quite certain that you would benefit from this kind of psychotherapy, and I urge you to seek it.
Now, suppose the size of your penis when erect really is much less than normal--in other words, that you are correct in saying that you have a very small penis--then what? Once again, truth is best, so I will not make that tired old argument that size does not matter. If your penis really is very small, the plain fact is that you probably will not be any woman's ideal sex fantasy. Not every man can be James Bond after all. But that does not mean that you cannot be a fine and effective lover who can satisfy a woman, father children if you like, and have a happy marriage. This is where the Masters and Johnson study which I mentioned earlier comes in. Although there really are some woman for whom a large penis is very important, they are in the minority. For most woman I have known, both personally and professionally, penis size is way down the list of what makes a man attractive. Personal qualities such as intelligence, kindness, understanding, sense of humor, ability to enjoy life, ability to love and be loved in return, capability to earn a living and to be independent, willingness to take responsibility for the welfare of another person or a family, and many other personal qualities, usually rate much higher on the list than penis size. Skill and tenderness in lovemaking also will rank much higher on most women‰'s lists than penis size, and this skill depends on being able to care about and to tune into a woman‰'s feelings, on being able to use your body--all of it, not just your penis--in order to give her pleasure, and on being able to delay your orgasm until she really is pleased. If you can learn to do these things, she is likely to be happy in bed, and so are you.
Since the size of your penis cannot change (unless you believe all those spam e-mails which promise a bigger organ if you will send money), the most positive thing to do, as I see it, would be to work on those other areas instead. If you develop some of those qualities which women find so important, it is quite likely that you will find a woman who will want to love you and your penis.
Now this woman may or may not be your fiancee, and that is why I agree with you that attempting to keep her from seeing other men in the nude is "crazy," as you put it. You know, I think that I really do understand some of your feelings about this matter, and they aren¬â¬t "crazy" at all. No one likes to be compared and found wanting. We all want to feel good about our bodies, and many men wish for a larger penis, just as many women wish for larger breasts or a better figure. The "crazy" part--and that¬â's your word, not one I usually use--lies in imagining that you can have a happy marriage while constantly fearing that your fiancee may see a man naked, and so finally learn that some men have larger penises than yours. I am concerned also that your doubts about your fiancee's honesty might grow and become unmanageable if you do not address this situation before committing to marriage.
A much wiser course of action, in my opinion, would be this: sometime soon when you are alone with your fiancee and feeling intimate, you might say to her, "You know, I have always felt that my penis is not large enough. It really bothers me, because I know that some men have penises which are bigger than mine." You would say this in the spirit of trying to open up a conversation on this topic. If you can handle this, I imagine that it might help both of you a lot. If you feel that you cannot handle this level of honesty and self-disclosure, some good professional counseling or psychotherapy will help to prepare you for it. Again, I hope this kind of therapy will be available in Beirut. I want to recommend also that before going any further with marriage plans, you and your fiancee get some premarital counseling with a competent couples counselor. This work should include a discussion about sexual needs and sexual desires, both yours and hers. I hope you will understand that these cards must be on the table if you want the best chance at marital happiness.
Be well.
visit dr-robert's homepagequestioner: Thank you for putting the letter from Liza and your answer on your website. That was an upsetting time for me, since the same person who did that to her tried it out on me too, and I was tempted because I wanted to advance spiritually, but fortunately did not act on it. I also was sexually abused as a child and have been feeling guilty for years about not forgiving [my abuser], so reading what you said about not forcing forgiveness was very welcome. I saw the truth in it right away.
I was sorry that your last talk was canceled, because I really wanted to hear about the two types of meditation which you said you would take up in the final talk.
I've asked other yoga teachers about the two types of meditation, but no one seems to know what that is about. Could you say more about it please.
---[name withheld by request]
[The writer is referring to a series of talks on the psychology of yoga and meditation given at a workshop for hatha (physical) yoga teachers. The last talk was canceled when the workshop ended early.]
dr-robert: Yes. In this space I cannot cover the entire content of the fourth talk, but I will say something about the two kinds of meditation. First, it is important to distinguish between meditation
practice and a meditative
state. Meditation
practice is a directed, intentional activity with rules, procedures, and methods, while meditative
states are naturally occurring mental-physical-emotional rhythms which arise spontaneously and disappear spontaneously like the wind in the trees. A meditative state may arise while one is "meditating" (the practice), but such a state may arise at any time at all, and really is not connected to "meditation" (practice). Conversely, one may practice meditation exercises for a long time without such an authentic meditative state ever arising.
Meditative states can be noticed subjectively as a change in point of view, and also may be measured objectively as changas changes in brain waves and in brain chemistry as well as other physical changes. In other words, they are very real states, which are felt inwardly, and also can be
verified scientifically.
These naturally occurring meditative states seem often to be associated with a kind of relaxed and open awareness which is both wider-seeing than normal, and also nonjudgmental. This kind of state has been described as
choiceless awareness, in which it is felt that things simply are as they are and cannot be any different. In other words, the usual attitude that one
manages life by choosing between one thing and another disappears, and everything is seen as already perfect (not necessarily perfect in the sense of "good," but rather as
inevitable and
connected to everything else). For many such moments are experienced as highly desirable, valuable, and liberating, or possibly even as sacred. For our purpose here, it is important to notice that these states arise spontaneously, and that intending them does
not cause them to occur.
Thus, meditative
states, which are normal states of mind
, have little or nothing to do with meditation
practice, which is not a normal state of mind, but a kind of medicine or treatment. To be clear about this, in the same way that you as a hatha yogi might decide to practice the hands to feet pose for twenty minutes in the morning in order to restore spinal elasticity and improve blood flow to the brain, a meditation practitioner might decide, in order to attain a deeper spiritual awareness, to gaze at the flame of a candle while attempting to empty the mind of all thoughts. And just as the hands to feet pose is not a natural posture, but a kind of medicine for the body, the meditation practitioner regards candle gazing as a kind of medicine for the mind.
Now one does not take medicine unless there is some level of disease, and so if I am not troubled by spinal inflexibility or impaired circulation, I may not need to practice hands to feet. Instead, I will simply go through my ordinary day, moving naturally, enjoying my flexibility and good circulation, quite probably without really noticing them. And the very same thing is true of the medicine called "meditation practice." If, in my ordinary life, I am relaxed, and present, in other words if I am "
at ease." then there is no dis-ease, and I will not even think about practicing meditation. Instead, I just enjoy the sense of presence, allowing things to be as they are in this very moment, probably without even noticing that I am doing so.
It is only when one feels some
dis-ease, fear of death for example, or a longing to be free of suffering, or the nagging of some spiritual ambition such as wanting to be reborn into a better life, that one will think of taking the medicine called "meditation."
Now if medicine is needed, taking it is a good idea, but one ought to be careful first in deciding that medicine really is needed, and second, assuming it is needed, in choosing the right kind of medicine to take. The right medicine at the right time may help, but the wrong medicine may cause harm, perhaps a great deal of harm.
And this is where we arrive at the two types of meditation (practice). One type aims at
stilling the mind, attempting, that is, to tame the wildness of the so-called "monkey mind" (always jumping from one thought to another). This is the type of practice typified by candle gazing, chanting, controlled or strenuous breathing exercises, repeating mantras, etc. The other type aims at cultivating the kind of choiceless awareness which characterizes naturally occurring meditative states. Normally in this second type of practice, the instruction is simply to watch without judgment whatever arises, both internally and externally. In other words, one does
not try to
calm the monkey-mind, but rather to notice its movements with bare attention (neither approval nor disapproval).
I imagine you can see that these are two very different kinds of medicine. The first kind involves a kind of self-hypnosis in which the focus of awareness is narrowed more and more until one becomes absorbed in the object of concentration (the flame, the mantra, the breath). The second type, when practiced with intelligence, favors a kind of awareness which is extremely
unfocused. It is unfocused because it has no intent, no object, no goal, no ambition at all except to notice what is.
In my experience, the first type of practice encourages escapism, delusion, and trance states. Since self-induced hypnotic states can feel "special" and out of the ordinary, this kind of meditation may deceive the practitioner into imagining, without any basis, that he or she has attained something special, something "spiritual." Then the ego is really off to the races, and all kinds of harm, such as the sad events you mentioned, may ensue. This is not to say that concentration exercises should never be practiced, but rather that they are a very strong kind of medicine, deceptively so, and should, in my opinion, be practiced only under constant, experienced supervision. This potential for delusion was always known, and the older sources on meditation practice stressed it, but when meditation hit the mainstream in the 1960s and became another item in the spiritual supermarket touted as a panacea for all ailments, the dangerous potential of such practices was swept under the carpet.
The second type of practice, which stresses calming down, and simply noticing whatever arises, is a gentler, less dangerous kind of medicine. This practice, which is called "insight meditation," requires neither special sitting nor any special circumstances. It is a kind of open-eyed, accepting, broadened attention which may be practiced anywhere no matter what is happening. For example, while standing in line at the post office, or having dinner with friends, one simply notices ones current emotional state or physical posture without judging as to "good" or "bad." To be clear, there is nothing esoteric at all about this medicine, and one is
not seeking a meditative state or seeking anything else* one simply notices, in a completely ordinary way, as much as possible about what is in the present moment.
Nevertheless, even insight meditation
is medicine, and when the dis-ease is cured, one ought to stop taking the medicine. If I imagine that there is some future "advanced" state of consciousness, and that I must keep practicing in order to arrive at it, then I will never stop taking the medicine. I will have become addicted. Like the horizon which recedes as fast as one approaches it, and so can never be reached, the "advanced" state can never be reached either. As soon as that becomes clear, no more medicine is needed.
Be well.
_______________________
*If one is practicing "meditation" in order to attain any goal at all besides simple insight--for example freedom from suffering, a better rebirth, saving the world, gaining merit, or finding God--then genuine insight becomes impossible. Ambition itself precludes nonjudgmental bare attention, since everything will be judged in comparison to the future ideal one desires to attain. If one is not ready to abandon ambition, it may be better to seek accomplishments not in meditation, but in the outer world where accomplishments are not so easily fantasized, where others may resist you, and where disillusionment quickly follows attainment of desires. Then, when the futility of living for the future becomes more apparent, one might take up meditation practice from a more useful perspective.
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questioner: Your page on proper nutrition was great. I followed the links, and learned a lot. But you did not mention anything about overweight and weight loss, and that's where I need help. I have tried many different diets for years, but still I am overweight, and nothing I try seems to work. What do you recommend?
dr-robert: I advised healthy dietary changes for improved physical, mental and emotional stability, but did not recommend a diet specifically for weight loss, and this is why:
Essentially, there are three reasons why someone would be overweight. The first of them is simply eating too much of the wrong kinds of foods due to bad habits or lack of proper nutritional information. Secondly, weight gain might be one symptom of an underlying medical condition such as hypothyroidism, or Cushing's syndrome. But usually--almost always in fact--being overweight results from one simple cause: chronic overeating for
emotional reasons combined often with insufficient exercise.
Although overweight due to underlying medical conditions is fairly rare (1% or so), if one does not seem to be overeating but still gains unwanted weight, those conditions must be ruled out.
If the problem really is just lack of information, the information is simple, and I will state it now. Forget Atkins, forget Ornish, forget Protein Power, forget Beverly Hills. Forget all of the so-called weight loss diets. Since they focus on quick weight loss, not on healthy nutrition, they are all
harmful to one's health in one way or another*, and they are ineffective in the long term; even if one loses weight, only very rarely will the new, thinner physique be maintained over time. "Going on a diet" is the wrong way to approach this matter, and almost guarantees failure. The word "diet" when properly used does not mean a weight-loss plan; a diet is simply what one eats. In other words, all of us have a diet already, we do not need to "
go" on one.
The way to come to the proper weight is simple. Get some real physical exercise every day, eat less, and base your diet on the principles stated on the ask dr-robert page and the links you mentioned. In other words, move your body as it was intended to move, and
refine the diet you already have. In addition, it has been found that when wanting to lose weight, it is helpful to add more dairy products and other sources of calcium to the diet, to avoid fatty foods, to avoid sugar, white flour, and other refined carbohydrates, to cut down on alcohol if you drink, and to stay away from the starchier vegetables such as potatoes. Except for a few fine points, that's about it.
But this kind of information is not much help the chronic overeater, because almost always habitual overeating is an
emotional problem best treated, like smoking, excessive drinking, or other drug addictions, by intervention on the psychological or emotional level, not just with good advice about food and exercise. The advice may be good, but until one is emotionally ready to commit to weight loss and subsequent weight maintenance, the advice will not, really cannot, be followed consistently.
In fact, habitual overeating is even more complicated to deal with than smoking, alcohol abuse, or other drug addictions, and this is why: a drug addict can come to the point of abstaining from the drug of choice while still craving it, but the overeater does not have abstention as a option. One cannot simply swear off food as one can with cigarettes, alcohol, or other drugs. All of us must eat, and so the temptation to consume a bit more is always there right on the plate, in the fridge, on the shelf, or on the menu.
If you want more information about overweight and how to deal it effectively, holistically, and with the emphasis on mental, physical, and emotional health, you can find some good leads, including recommendations about diet, exercise, and even some healthy recipes
here at the weight control info center, and
here with Dr. Andrew Weil. If you are the kind of overeater who cannot be helped by information alone, I suggest making an appointment with me for personal counseling which will include an individualized nutritional program as well as therapy aimed at being able to make an emotional commitment to a healthier body, a more tranquil mind, and a happier life.
Be well.
_________________
*The Atkins diet in particular is just criminal--nothing more than a commercial scam which has been perpetrated for years. It is a diet which, if followed, immediately
deprives the body of the micronutrients required to prevent cancer, heart disease, and other serious ailments. If you simply must have a complete diet plan, and do not want to seek individual nutritional counseling, try the South Beach diet which at least includes a variety of healthful foods.
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questioner: Sometimes for no apparent reason I begin to feel terribly sad and lonely, and I wonder if life really is worth living. A friend told me that my brain chemistry was off, and gave me some of her Zoloft [antidepressant medication] but taking it did not seem to help at all. My friend said that if I really was depressed, the medication would have made me feel better, so she says I am not depressed, only sad because of things that have happened in my life. She said that depression is a disease, and not just feelings of sadness. But what is the difference between sadness and depression, and, even though the Zoloft did not help, could I still really be depressed?
dr-robert: Your letter raises many questions, and I will try to take them one by one. But the most important point is this: depression is not merely sadness. True depression is a serious condition which, without proper treatment, almost always gets worse. And, the longer depression is allowed to continue without proper intervention, the harder it becomes to treat.
Now, "depression" is not just one particular condition, but rather the word is applied to many different combinations of states of mind, bodily experiences, and emotional attitudes. For example, Person X, in mourning for a beloved partner, relative, or dear friend, might feel extremely sad for a long time, and might also wonder if life is worth living without the continued presence of the beloved, but this person might not be depressed in the sense of suffering from a disease which needs medical attention. Ordinarily, with the passage of time, the normal healing process inherent in mourning comes full circle, and the sadness will change into acceptance, understanding, and, often, a richer view of life. If help is needed, some psychotherapy might be appropriate, usually without the use of medication.
Someone else, Person Y, might apparently feel much less "sad," than Person X, but other indications would tell a trained professional that Person Y is depressed in the clinical sense, and that both psychotherapy and medication are required--perhaps urgently.
A third person, Person Z, might have few feelings of sadness at all, or none, but still might be depressed in a way which will require treatment. Depression is not always marked by feelings of sadness. Sometimes depression manifests through other symptoms, such as loss of interest in life, inability to enjoy activities previously enjoyed, sudden changes in eating and sleeping patterns, sudden weight gain or weight loss, feelings of unworthiness, and many other indications which will suggest to the professional that treatment for depression may be indicated.
This is all to say that your friend, while probably well-intentioned, has misled you. Depression is a complicated group of disorders, and without proper training and a detailed interview no one can properly diagnose depression nor properly rule it out. If you suspect that you are suffering from depression, it is important to seek professional help as soon as possible. I say "as soon as possible," because some types of depression worsen quickly without appropriate treatment, and depression itself may damage the brain in ways which are still mysterious. If the sadness or other symptoms are accompanied by ongoing feelings that life is not worth living, which may be a form of suicidal ideation, seeking help is particularly urgent.
Your friend misled you in another way too. Even if medication is indicated, depression should never be treated with antidepressants alone.
Numerous studies suggest, and all of my responsible colleagues agree, that any chemical treatment
must be combined with psychotherapeutic counseling in order to produce optimal results in treating depression, and that psychotherapy is the first step, not medication. So even if you had responded in some way to the Zoloft, you would still not have been receiving the proper treatment. This is because deficiencies in brain chemistry do not
cause depression as many people believe. Such deficiencies in brain chemistry are just as likely to be the
results of previous mistreatment, abuse, and other real life experiences which damage the brain, and alter its chemical balance,
resulting in depressed thinking. This common misunderstanding (a version of the old question: "which came first the chicken or the egg?") produces a world of confusion in the popular attitudes towards depression which, these days, imagine that depression can be
cured simply by taking pills.
To repeat this important point: proper treatment of depression begins with a psychotherapeutic interview. Then, if medication is necessary, it will be accompanied by counseling aimed at improving point of view. If your medical doctor tries to give you antidepressant medication without also suggesting some form of professional counseling, as some unfortunately are doing these days, in my opinion you should find a new doctor. If you go to the
testimonials page you will be able to read what my colleague, Dr. Najar, of Cabo San Lucas, a medical doctor, has to say on this subject.
If you suspect that you may be depressed, a good first step would be to fill out this on-line
questionnaire, and
this one. If you score very low on both, you may feel fairly confident that you are not severely depressed. But, if your score is not low, and if life has felt unsatisfactory for a prolonged time, and continues to feel that way, I would suggest an interview with a trained psychotherapist (
not a new-age kind of counselor,
nor a guru, and certainly not a well-meaning friend). Such an interview, which should not require more than a single meeting, ought to be able either to diagnose depression or rule it out. In addition, even if depression is ruled out, such an interview could prove to be the starting point for a course of therapy aimed at improving your perspective on the value and possibilities of this often-challenging experience we call "life."
I cannot leave this topic without addressing your friend's having shared her medication with you. That was not a good idea. Zoloft is not aspirin, and fooling around with brain chemistry is not a joke. I know that here in Mexico such medicines are readily available without a prescription, but that does not mean they are safe to use without proper medical supervision, including a complete physical exam prior to beginning the medication. I hope you will understand this take it to heart.
If you wish to discuss your situation with me personally, please make an appointment.
Be well.
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questioner [Liza,a visitor to Todos Santos, was abused by someone claiming to be a spiritual teacher. The "teacher" told her that by having sex with him she could advance more quickly]: I have a tendency to blame myself and be angry with myself for being so naive and letting this happen. I do recognize that it wasn't my fault. I was the trusting student. But it is just hard to forgive myself, and even harder to forgive him. I know that it is healthy, important and good to forgive people. . . . I know that I have a lot to work on myself and I want to try to stay present, clear and without grudges, sadness or anger. . . .
dr-robert: One of the problems with sexual abuse is that sex itself often feels good, and can be enjoyed simply as a physical sensation. Then, the person who has been abused might feel somehow responsible and guilty for the part of the transaction that was enjoyed.
People like [name withheld], who are needy, deeply injured, and in denial of their pain, often defend against their injuries by claiming powers (such as being able to teach or to “do good”) which they really do not possess. Then, in the guise of teaching or doing good, this kind of abuser makes emotional demands--a kind of psychic vampirism--on people who do not have strong boundaries against that kind of attack. In this form of abuse, which really is like a vampire's bite, abusers may be trying to suck the good out of the victim, and also may be trying to put some of their badness into the victim, thereby imagining that they are ridding themselves of it.
I give you this psychological background to underscore that you are not way responsible for what happened to you, and also to explain why you might be feeling heavy and depressed as you said. This is an old modus operandi of [the abuser]. He has acted it out often, and has always told the young women that he "loved" them. Yes, Liza, due to some of your past experiences, and because you are a person who has a natural need to be trusting and open, you were easily fooled, but that is certainly not your fault, and by continuing the therapy we started, you will be able to grow in wisdom and will learn to make boundaries that can protect you better.
Forgiving those who have injured us is important, but forgiveness must not, and really cannot, be produced by force of will. If forgiving is attempted as an obligation, the person doing the forgiving may be injured on subtle levels. Just as you cannot force yourself to love (love simply arises, or not), you can not force yourself to forgive. However, as a farmer prepares the ground for planting in order to make more likely a good crop, you may able to prepare the ground for the flowering of forgiveness.
You could try preparing this ground by observing carefully that you, just like all of us, tend to get lost in ego. That's all. Simply become aware of and watch your own egoic, self-centered concerns: fantasies, schemes, fears, and desires. Then you will understand how others can do the harm that they do. If you will practice this kind of non-judgmental self-observation, you will find that compassion, both for yourself and for others, will naturally develop. Then, from that ground of compassion, real forgiveness, a forgiveness based on understanding, simply arises without direct effort on your part.
As for staying "present,” and “clear," please do not misunderstand this vital point: "Being present" does not mean to be without anger, grudges, or sadness, but rather to be aware of whatever you are feeling and thinking, including anger, grudges, sadness, or any other state. In other words, Liza, the state of presence is not an ideal state that one achieves sometime in the future after one has become calm, compassionate, and without anger, greed, lust, etc. Not at all. The state of presence is here right now. Always right now. All one can ever do is to notice that state and reside in it.
Be well.
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